So while this blog is called Work in Progress and I do try to write about that concept, and the art process, I don’t often reveal my own nitty gritty feelings(!). As a super special treat I present to you some of my true life work in progress thoughts/excerpts from other more private journal entries. I deliberately messed up the time frame in these because I am that paranoid, but the overall theme of anxiety and self-loathing remains classic and timeless.
Am I internalizing my oppression by feeling obligated to stick with a post-modern/conceptual art minimalism? I am so confused!!! I’m serious. I am totally confused.
I am currently terrified of my studio. It’s very hard for me to want to do work. I keep blaming this on the fact that I don’t have embroidery software. Although I could suck it up and plot it out on graph paper or even figure something clever out in Illustrator.
Snnrrg. In my anxiety I have eaten far too many cadbury mini eggs. Now I have a stomachache that reminds me of my childhood. My anxiety stems from my creative projects…
The past week was spent hunched over my work table mostly on the computer finalizing digital images, on the interwebs trolling for quotes for the stuff I need made. Will this ever be over with? Its so boring to contact a million people over prices.
So I just got kicked in my art ballz again. I am trying to just allow myself wallow and feel all depleted and imagine how terrible my committee would feel if I suddenly got brain cancer and all.
The problem is that this project requires lots of computer time. And I am realizing the computer fucks me up. Mainly because of the dreaded internet. Oh my god its downright embarrassing how much time has been squandered reading tales of the service industry. In a way its like a drug addiction. I am evasive, moody, and lying about how much I spend online.
In the meantime I am learning a lot more about coffee…
In many ways approval does not really help me. But I hate feeling like a huge failure too. If I have a really shitty crit it can wreak havoc on my productivity for weeks. At this point I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself and just be a general pain in the ass artiste. Hopefully tomorrow I will be back in the swing of things. But tonight Izzie Stevens of Grey’s Anatomy is my pity party muse. Sadly I do not have her unexpected 8 million dollar inheritance check to keep me company. But I am very good and flopping about, eating a lot of butter and staring sadly into space.
This is not good and now I am behind and feeling INSANE.
I ran into a snag in my project that freaked me out enough to immediately strap on a sports bra, lace up some sneakers and go for a really inadvised run. I have not seriously worked out since August, and I have not gone on a run in the outdoors since high school…
…horrific anxiety leading one to eat spoonfuls of sour cream out of the carton.
Thank the good lord above Ugly Betty is not a re-run or clip show tonight.
Its fantastic out and I feel like a totally new person. Hell I even feel better about my artwork.
ARRRRG this week has NOT been awesome.
I can tell that they used the wrong weight. They are using LIGHT ALTERNATIVE when I told them to use ALTERNATIVE. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Seriously I am flipping out. I actually am wondering if I should let myself cry over this.
I feel like this whole process has been nothing but lesson in murphey’s law…I just feel like everyday I wake up and there is something wrong I have to fix or cannot be fixed and I have to let it go.
I feel burned out, exhausted out of ideas and depressed. And addicted to the internets.
I am cranky. I should be doing work. But instead I am lounging about depressed, uninspired, reading Daniel Clowes comics.
My projects are all in a dismal state of “in progress” which can also mean “you suck slacker”. I must pull myself together and finish something.
The good news is, I am enjoying the direction my artwork is going.
I thought I would have the time to think and really work on projects. But instead I feel so crazy busy and unthinking.
I am in my studio. I hate coming into my studio after a long absence. It fills me with total dread and hopelessness.
Week of hell. Eating comfort foods. Can of peas, quarter stick of butter lots of salt. But now I want chocolate. Broke into the Nestle tollhouse chips. Tempted to make cookie dough just for depressing and decadant consumption at 1am. Must resist and take shower and sleep. But raw cookie dough! waah!