Work In Progress

To quote comedian Patton Oswalt, there aren’t a lot of heroes left these days. His hero happens to be Robert Evans. At least according to the bit. But I feel his sentiment. I have always made it a point to have older female icons in my life. Both known and just admired from afar. Cuz otherwise then you’re stuck with crappy Photoshop jobs of Miley Cyrus on the cover of Cosmo to aspire to and that’s no good. So here are a few awesome silver foxy ladies I ladies I love:

Jane Hudson Formerly video professor of the SMFA. Jane is totally rad and I’ve always liked the way she rocked her white hair, tats and leather jackets. Jane always gave great crits and asked very shrewd questions. She has a thing for technology and Gilles and Deleuze. Don’t we all.

Beatriz Salguero She was my bio teacher from High School. Ridiculously smart and classy. She always wore these Chanel-esque suits with awesome chunky gold jewelry, scarves and heels. Even when doing field study in sweats she still looked elegant and refined. She is the reason I have done anything science related in my life.

Roberta from the Hampshire College cafeteria. She swiped your cards for you and just generally harassed you. She never took any shit from whiny Hampshire hippies and hipsters either. If you were an early riser you often got stickers on your ID. I hope she is still there but if not I hope she is happily and crankily retired.

Rita Levi Montalcini. I just found out about this Nobel prize winning scientist and she OWNS. Look at this picture of her at her 100th birthday party. Yeah she knows it.

Annie Sprinkle Not quite silver but definitely older and wiser now. Let me just say I had my own little private public cervix announcement moment and it ruled! Thank You Annie Sprinkle!

I know I am forgetting many more but I just wanted to at least start listing  my influences. So stay tuned for possible future entries on People Who Do Not Suck. I leave you with this famous clip from the now sadly departed Bea Arthur’s hit show Maude:

I remember copying out the text below while I was in college. It is from an introductory essay in a large coffee table book on the artwork of Barbara Kruger. It is a shade hyperbolic, yet perhaps not. In either case it amuses me. And the holidays are upon us now for better or worse.

Mental notes in the houseware department of Wal-mart. Yes. Wal-Mart. You can get anything you want at Wal-Mart. The fact that you want it already means you are already dead. Last Christmas I had an epiphany at Wal-mart. No. That’s a little grand…It was two weeks before Christmas. Each department in Wal-Mart had its own Muzak system blaring Christmas carols, and each department manager apparently, had decided to program a different medley of carols. And as you walked through Wal-Mart, these competing festive audios melted together into a completely dissonant sour, even terrifying mélange, as if Stockhausen had decided to do a Christmas album, you know something, it was perfect, it was almost art, and no one in Wal-Mart seemed to notice they were being subtly encouraged to go home and commit suicide.

While I often complain about the echo chamber that is art school and tend to seek out people who are not necessarily fine artists, every now and then I run across stuff at the school that brightens my day. First was a sneak-peak at a show about redefining gender. One particular submission was hilarious. And while I was walking around I noticed they finally replaced the dead flourescent bulbs. Yay now I can see the flaws in my project more clearly…Finally someone appears to have installed 2 arcade games in their studio. One of them being a neo-geo machine featuring free plays of bust-a-move. Pretty sweet. In fact I immediately called Zole to tell him about it and he too agreed that it was pretty sweet. I really wish I had taken a pic but I hate carrying my camera around. More reason to start seriously considering a camera phone. Yeah the pics suck but its nice in a pinch like this.

I have noticed that Zole and I do entertain guests every now and then. And these guests while charming, witty and very good looking, they are not very useful to me. To that end I am creating a studio assistant/guest position. This will give you immediate acess to the glamorous world of art-making. You as my guest and friend will come to the house for your usual reasons, wii usage, guitar hero, our comfy futon etc. And I will ask you if you feel like making $20. Here is how it breaks down for now:

1. Stencil Cutting

For my project I need to cut a lot of stencils. This is done with thin sheets of mylar plastic and a stencil cutter which is basically a woodburner. Stencils range in size and difficulty. The easiest being small images, the hardest being word phrases. I will train you and overall should not be very difficult. However I should warn you that there is a slight melty plastic smell.

For every small stencil cut you will make 5 dollars.
For every medium stencil cut you will make 10 dollars
For every large stencil cut you will make 15 dollars

You are not allowed to make more than 20 dollars per visit.

2. Box sealing and painting

I also need to have many boxes sealed tightly and painted white. You will be given boxes and special tape and trained on how I want them sealed. If time and money allows you can also move to the next step of painting the box white. I suggest not wearing a fancy outfit for this job if you plan on painting.

1 hour of work is 10 dollars. No more than 20 dollars per visit.

3. Miscellaneous. There will be times where I may need you my guest for other tasks. The pay will be $10 per hour. Experience with C language, love of servo motors a plus. Again you cannot make more than $20 per visit.

FAQ

1. This does not sound very glamorous. When do we get to do drugs like in Warhol’s factory?

While Warhol let freaks and drug fiends hang out in his factory, when it came to serious artwork he only allowed his paid help to be around. Warhol also never did drugs although would take the occassional diet pill to help him concentrate. The freaks were only used to make lengthy films in which they did a lot of drugs and said stupid stuff on camera. I would prefer everyone work sober or mildly caffeinated.

2. What if I screw up and ruin your art?

Not really a problem as I am using disposable materials. If you really fuck up something you are working on, it can be scapped and done again. The only way to ruin everything would be to burn the house down.

3. Is this for real? Can I really make $20 dollars in between guitar hero and dinner?

Yes! I am for real. It is very time consuming and tedious to do what I am doing. Any little bit of help is always good.

4. Can I work for free?

Maybe. One of the reason’s I am offering money is to ensure a quality product and to distance you from my art project. Also I don’t feel like owing you any favors later on.

5. Wow I am going to visit all the time.

Please call ahead. I also reserve the right to refuse work or visits.